the worst night of my life

on friday night my stomach was churning with terror of talking to fletcher about our recent relationship. so i decided to spend time with the girls to help get my mind off of it, and just have some fun. amy, paige, jenna, and brenna, i love you! around 11:15 i got the phone call that fletcher was home and for me to just "charge on up." so i get there and i get to see dana, kyle and ed which was a nice beginning to the most awful experience of my life. fletcher started talking about normal stuff like how work was going, how my semester was, if i wanted to look at pictures from cruise and so forth. i was so nervous that i was just twirling his hideous yet very cute red sunglasses with glaring blaring orange lenses around. he asked me, "come on, just spit it out. what do you want to talk to me about." i gave him a letter that i had written (letters are the worst idea ever), a letter that i had written him in october of 2003 and a couple cards that i had bought him along with a "don vito for president" sticker i bought him in new york with a picture of me in front of a "mama mia" poster in times square. i don't know how it happened but we quickly went from a nice akward conversation to the meanest words i've ever heard. fletcher began to take complete control over the night and began to bring up how terrible of a girlfriend i was. for the next two hours he said things like, "our relationship was an experience." and "you just like to have fun." and started to bring up all these terrible things that i had done to him. i felt terrible and apoligized repeatedly once again for things i had already said i was sorry to right after they happened. i began to tell him how much i had learned from our relationship, how much i learned about love from him, and how much God has grown me into a woman through fletcher. he said that "people don't change" and so i began to try and again explain to him where my heart was and how afraid i was to love him, and somehow explain to him where the evil things i did to him had come from. i than began to cry. i had to go so far back and relive a terrible time it hurt so bad. i reminded him of how much i loved tommy, and that at fifteen, my heart had been shattered. shattered. into a million pieces because of him. i told him of how innocent, pure, and full of love i was at such a young naive age and how much i opened my heart to tommy. after him it was definately closed. fletcher knew that. corey once told him that i wasn't ready to date. i was in no way ready, i had not allowed God to heal me, to start a relationship with fletcher. i told him that it was hard for me to see all the love that he had for me, all the pure selfless love that he had for me, because it was so hard to realize that i had given that to tommy. fletcher and i weren't on the same page at all. even through all this, we were able some how to fall in love, become best friends, and do our best to honor God. fletcher than began to say that all this was just an "excuse" for my behavior and that i could have "chosen to love him more." i told him that it wasn't possible, and that if it was, i would have. and that i loved him as well as i could for where i was. keep in mind i was seventeen. until 2:00 am, he basically wailed on me how bad of person i was, and how that is how he sees me now. i was in such a state of shock, this conversation went completely opposite of how i was anticipating. he said, "we're not going to get back together like this. now by you trying to convince me of how you have changed." like i was trying to sell myself or something! i was like, "what? no.... i did not in any way come up here to try and have you take me back or give me another chance. but that is sad that you would never give us another chance, that you would never let me love you again, and that you believe people don't change." keep in mind i'm still balling. fletcher says things like, "i don't really care." and "my heart is in no way telling me that we should get together again." and "i feel no connection to you." knives jabbing straight through to the heart. again, and again, and again. "it didn't help that you broke up with me over the phone." "i am sorry. i already told you that." "remember when i asked you if you had learned anything from our relationship? what did you say?" now i cried even harder because i so very well remember what i said. i had said, "no." i than began to tell him that was not true. knives in the heart. bleeding. i got up and he said, "do you need a hug?" i think i felt like i was on planet hell and everything became a blur. i was able to muster up the response, "i don't need a hug. do you need a hug?" and he said something like, "i haven't been hugged out today." so he stood up and i wrapped my arms around him. now usually the smell of his sweatshirts, the smell of him mixed with the trembling smell of old spice usually sends chills down my spine. my heart was done. nothing. absolutely nothing. my stomach wasn't antsy, my heart was racing, nothing. i was over fletcher. any desire to ever be with him again. gone. a desire to be his friend, determined. for fifteen minutes, we just held eachother, and talked like normal people. we even laughed. level of shock i was in at the time was unnumerable. i asked him what we do now, and he said, "wing it. if you think of something friendly we could do, lets do it." well alright... "good night." still in shock i walked home, called corey and left her an eleven minute long message and went straight to sleep. when i awoke in the morning, i was still dead. i began to recite to myself, "people don't change?!" and "it was an experience?!" "do you need a hug?!!" "i feel no connection to you?!!!" and i began to feel like shit. not awful, not bad, not crappy, like shit. and not like nicely placed animal waste, or the funny kinds that zachy leave around the street, but more like feces that had been our for a week and was dry and cracky and fly eaten. that was how i felt. lucky for michael i was to be at work at ten. all day i cried. michael did his best but said this which made me die, "it's all done. you had your chance. now you don't get another one, right?" tears streaming. lucky for ed, he got to accompany corey and i to lunch while i did my best to eat without choking on the teary food. i tried to explain to corey what had happened, but there's no way i could ever remember word for word what was said, but only the feeling of my heart. after work, corey, mary, philip, sarah, ed and i went out to shark. FUN!!!!!!!!!! corey and i played frisbee and philip taught me how, so that we could actually really play. "like you're throwing a plate of food. and keep it level." yay, philip! on the way back, i got the idea to call fletcher and reconsile. since reconsile, reconcile? is one of my words God and i are working on. i than began to plan in my head word for word and every movement i was going to move while with fletcher. we get in around 10 and i call him. he does NOT sound pleased. yet, says, "i'm home, come on over. just charge on up." lucky me...